Mothers Day Advice for Raising Clit-aware Kids

This, my friends, is the (mostly) annual Mother's Day edition of the SSL blog post. I am not a mother, but I have a mother, and I love a lot of mothers, and I also love and deeply care about a lot of children who are currently learning from mothers. I have strong feelings about the seriousness of raising children - in all the ways people do that - being a biological or adoptive or step or grand or great grand mother are just a few of those, but really anyone who comes in contact with a child has a part in their raising. Even very small interactions with children can leave lasting affects, and the more thoughtful and responsible we can all be in those interactions the better off the next generation will be. Granted, life is life. One couldn't possibly don't know the "right" answers for how to raise a child, and people don't always have the right skills at the right time to make the best choices - and even if you do, mistakes happen. 

So first, if you are taking any part in raising a child out there, give yourself some slack because there are no perfect answers. If you are doing your best to be kind and thoughtful and consistently 'there,' though, you're doing better than most, so give yourself a hand. The work you do is incredibly necessary and important. 

Second, I'm going to some unsolicited advice to trusted and responsible guardians out there. 

Unsolicited Advice #1

For the love of all things good and right in the world, don't start telling your kids that boys have penises and girls have vaginas.

First, trans and intersex children very much exist, and so it's important to let them know body parts aren't what decides if you are a boy or a girl. Second, say vulva not vagina. Vagina is the hole. It gets too much glory and it is wrongly assumed to be the most important part of female sexual pleasure. It surely is not. Orgasms do not arise from stimulating the inside of the vagina - seriously. Like for real. This whole blog and my whole movie is based on that very truth that our culture refuses to believe. The clit, the clitoral glans area specifically, is the orgasmically important part - it's as important to female orgasm as penises are to male orgasm. So, really one might just say that some people have penises and others have clits - ya know, because we need more Cliteracy. The more young people hear the word clit, the more they might remember it in their future sexual endeavors and the better for Orgasm Equality.

But, actually the better thing to say is that some people have penises and some people have vulvas - but then describe them. Alix Kates Schulman wrote a badass essay back in the 70's called "Organs and Orgasms" that sums up how to describe these parts to children. She describes the penis as having 3 different uses in 1 organ; peeing, pleasure and also making babies. She describes the vulva as containing 3 different parts for 3 different uses; the clit at the top for pleasure, the urethral opening below it for peeing, and the vagina below that for making and birthing babies. 

It's such a simple way to clearly indicate what differentiates genitals and what's accurately going on in the vulva area. Imagine how that early focus on the clitoris as pleasure might have changed your sex life. Imagine how you might have better been able to visualize your own genitals or your future partner's genitals. Honestly, I feel like I was a comparatively sexually aware young person, but I was in college before I realized that my pee didn't come through my clit. That sounds insane, but I don't think it's that uncommon. At least I knew where my clit was. I had more than 1 friend in college in the 2000's that wasn't sure where her clit was. That's detrimental shit, and just a little info in the early years could counteract it. It seems small compared to all the terrible sexual information we get in our culture, but I think it would make huge differences.  

Unsolicited Advice #2

Be fucking cool about masturbation.

You do not need to tell a kid to masturbate or how to masturbate or show them people masturbating or tell them about how you masturbate. You just need to not poo-poo it, and let them know that it's something people (all people of all genders) do. Let them know you acknowledge and aren't disgusted by it. That's the least you can do. 

What would be even better though, is when the time comes to talk about sex (which most people agree is something that should happen at some time in some way) let them know that they, not someone else, should be the first person to explore their body in a sexual way. 

Unless you think masturbation will send your child to hell, there's no downside. Masturbation, unlike sexual contact with others, doesn't risk disease or pregnancy. They also know you think understanding their own body and sexuality is more important than another person doing it (which it most definitely is), and that gives them at least half a chance in future relationships - both in expecting and understanding how sexual contact can and should be pleasurable (this is real important for the kids with clits) and also in understanding the difference between love and lust so they don't confuse the excitingly new sensations of sexual touch with an emotional connection. Many a person has been locked into harmful relationships by incorrectly assuming that pleasurable sexual touch is the same as emotional/relational pleasure. Don't set a kid up for that horseshit. 

Unsolicited Advice #3

Make sure, when the time is right, you let these kids know that sex in porn and movies and TV and romance novels are often straight up fake in the weirdest way.

That weird way is that the women are very often depicted as orgasming simply from a penis moving in and out of the vagina - which in reality is not at all likely a way to make a women come because the stimulation of the clitoral glans area is needed for females to orgasm as much as penis stimulation is needed for males to orgasm. These weirdly unrealistic depictions are basically a woman orgasming without stimulation of the clit/vulva area and is no more likely than a male orgasming from stimulations that is close to but not on the penis. 

Also, the truth is that in real life over 70% of women say on surveys that they never orgasm during intercourse ever. That's most women, and the women that say they do sometimes or always come during intercourse, well, they tend to find ways to get additional clitoral stimulation during the intercourse (hands, vibrators, grinding, etc.). Although there are small numbers of women out there that say on surveys that they can come from nothing more than intercourse (with no additional clitoral stimulation) there is absolutely no physical proof in all of scientific literature that any women actually can (read more about that percentage stuff here). Seriously. 

So, probably assume intercourse alone is not a way to achieve orgasm unless you have a penis.  Feel free to further discuss with your young person why you think there is so much faking and ignorant female orgasm depictions out there (because moving a penis in and out of a vagina IS orgasmic for penises, maybe?). Just make sure there is mention of this unrealistic depiction phenomenon because without that, these depictions can really fuck with a person's mind and make them think things are a way they are not.  

**If they ask about the G-spot or the 'inner clit' causing orgasms during intercourse (maybe from any sexpert advice on the internet or from something they read in a women's magazine or sex advice book), assure them that's a bunch of bullshit that is unfortunately believed and spread by trained, well-meaning, and even progressive sexual educators. Then have them read this blog post to further explain.

Unsolicited Advice #4

Finally, make sure you talk to your penis-bearing kids about clits as much as you talk to your clit-bearing kids.

It's all good and well if you raise someone that understands and can work their own clit to orgasm, but if someone with a penis comes along that doesn't know shit about clits (and it's likely they will come along if things don't change), at worst, I assure you're their sexual encounters will be crap (for the clit - not the penis, of course). At best,  it'll take a lot of time, effort, courage, and confidence of the clit-bearer's part and a willingness to listen and change, some patience, and empathy from the penis bearer before the sexual encounters become equally orgasmic. It shouldn't be so hard, and both partners in a sexual situation should be expected to have a basic knowledge about each other's genitals (i.e. banging a dick into a vagina is for penis orgasm and possibly reproduction, but not for female orgasm). 

but I digress

I'm sure there are plenty of other things that one should be discussing with children about their sexuality, sexual health,  and sexual relationships. There's lots of other places that discuss those things better than I would. I focus on ladygasms, so my unsolicited advice here really just focuses on helping the future generation have more ladygasms - on Orgasm Equality. And of course, you have time to relay these things. For now, on this upcoming Mother's Day, just enjoy the young people in your life and take a little pride in whatever part you play in their raising. 

Love to you all.

And for your viewing enjoyment a picture of me and my mother. I lost her a couple years ago, and I think of her often. She worked for a teen parenting non-profit when I was young and always got me pamphlets about sex and puberty that I showed my friends at slumber parties. I saw clearly where the clit was in one of those. She also took the opportunity when we were watching SHAG where some teen boys threw a condom balloon filled with water at a car to tell me about condoms. She also took an opportunity when I was watching the local news with her and my dad. A story came on about a teacher that showed a video about masturbation during sex ed and the parents were outraged. She asked if I knew what masturbation was. It was embarrassing, and I said yes sheepishly to end it. I did know, though. I quite liked masturbating, and I guess from then on I knew my mom knew what it was too and wasn't worried much about it. She was also in my movie about female orgasm...and made lunch for the cast one day. Much appreciated, mom.