Lady-gasm Equality: We Need A Revolution Not More Communication in Bed

Fuck communication. We need revolution.

I want to flip the perspective a bit today. I've been writing this blog for over a decade and something I hear often, and not just from men but from women too, is that this whole orgasm inequality thing is all about communication.

They might use the opportunity to kinda brag about how much they are dedicated to their lady-partner's orgasm or how so much better at communicating sexually they are than other women, like, "The problem is that women need to speak up about what they want sexually. I always ask for what I want." Or on the flipside, "I am not interested in a sexual experience where it's just about my orgasm, and when women say what they want, then I make sure we have a mutually orgasmic experience." Oh I'm sure you do, you perfectly assertive, incredibly sexually literate woman, and you perfectly kind, orgasm-giving machine of a man.

They also might use it as way to let out their sexual frustration with women, like, "How are we supposed to know what women want if they don't just say it? If a woman was rubbing my balls to try and get me off, I would say, 'hey, ya need to stroke my penis.' I wouldn't sit there and pretend it's good!" In fact Pete Davidson has a whole bit just like that in his most recent stand-up special "Alive From New York."

Most often though, they'll just ignore everything I said and just sum it up with, "Yeah, it's just about communication!" Like they are agreeing with me because they already completely understand everything I just talked about. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID AT ALL MOTHA FUCKERS. I have never, ever said it's all about communication.

At a time when a post I wrote critiquing a BBC article on female orgasms was getting a bunch of press, a Philosopher of Science dude that I quite liked read it, wrote a post about it on his blog, and basically said that exactly. It pissed me off.

  Like...my whole long-ass, point by point take-down of the cultural status quo and deep misunderstanding of how the female orgasm physically happens that the BBC article espoused - and he's like, "Yeah, exactly. We should all communicate more during sex." Fuck you. I didn't say that at all. This dude's living is based off thinking about science and the culture of science through different perspectives, but somehow his brain couldn't comprehend anything I said except that communication is important? I don't know if my post even said anything about communication. It's just what he was comfortable and familiar with I guess. That's how deep this shit is.

So, what I'm saying is that this orgasm equality problem is not about communication, it's so much more than that. Communication in bed is like the last 1% of what needs to be done to correct this. So, let me put things this way, and I'm gonna speak directly to the people with penises, but it's not like people with clits understand this really either.

Imagine it this way, people with penises (but like also everyone else should flip their perspective too)

Penis-bearers, you have an advantage in partnered sexual situations with clit-bearers. The whole world knows basically how to get you off. Yeah, there's individual preferences, but (and here's the crux of what I'm trying to say) don't confuse your problem of having to tell someone that you personally like shorter strokes and more lube, with a problem of deep seeded incorrect knowledge of your sexual anatomy and orgasm that resides within both you and your partner. 

It's the difference between you having a person's hand on your penis and having to guide them with your hand to show them what you personally like VS. you having a person fully expecting to make you come with their finger in your ass and having to change the course and momentum of the sex act to tell them that, actually, you need extra to come. You need your dick touched. And then, after all that, having to show them how you like it touched - more lube, short strokes, whatever.

But honestly you're starting closer to zero there because they just haven't seen a lot of examples in porn and movies and shit of people touching a penis the way you like yours touched. I mean do they smack it? They see that a lot in porn..

But, no, it's even worse than that. It's also that the act of them sticking their finger in your ass also makes them come - like really good and reliably, and they REALLY LOVE to do it. It, like, feels pretty fucking good to them. Like sometimes it feels so good it's hard to stop or focus on anything else, ya know?

And also...their last boyfriend was able to come that way...so...

Even if they understand men are all different, and it's okay that you need "extra" (and some of them won't really understand and be nice about it, and you've definitely been with a couple of those, but the one now seems cool with it), they still haven't seen a lot of men in movies or porn that can't come from the finger up the ass, so it's a touch foreign on how to proceed.

Honestly, it would be, like, a lot easier for both of you if you just came from ass fingering, wouldn't it?

And what's also worse is that the attempts to be all nice and give you the "extra" are mostly done in combination with them fingering your ass. Like, fingering your ass, with one hand while they stroke your penis with the other. That way they can still come even though it is clearly splitting the focus away from your penis. You wouldn't want them to not come, right? That's probably like mean or something.

And ya know, it's even worse beyond that because you aren't completely sure that you can't come from ass fingering. It feels sooooo good sometimes, especially if you are really aroused. It's like you could almost come that way. Maybe you even did once??

Also, like, it does seem as though so many other dudes were able to figure out or be luckily endowed with the ability to come from ass fingering. You just feel like you should keep at it, and your partner loves it so much, and you love making your partner happy, and it does feel good. Plus, it's really just kind of a bother to ask for penis stimulation. They usually don't know how to do it well anyway, so you have to teach them a lot and when you try they get a little out of the mood and then so do you, and it's really just not that worth it. And a lot of times even if you are able to teach them, it feels like they forget what you taught them the next time.

Sex isn't all about orgasm anyway, right? It's such a shame to focus only on the orgasm. You truly love the emotional connection and the physical touching. Plus, they usually touch your penis some at the beginning to get you in the mood and that's nice too.

And of course, you can always masturbate later, which most people now understand is manual stimulation of the penis for penis-bearers. Yeah, granted that's nothing like ass fingering, whereas for the person fingering, masturbation is just encompassing and rubbing the finger with their hand or mouth or something, so their masturbation is just like ass fingering...but no on seems to notice that discrepancy - including you. It's not something anyone discusses even though it's so obvious.

Then, ya know, it's even worse than that because you might have never touched your penis much or at all until well after you were sexually active with another person. Most of your partnered sexual experience has been asshole stuff though - especially one-night stands. It's just that people are weird about teen boys being sexual and wanting orgasm, and you also never really hear the word penis, so it's not really what you thought about when you thought about 'sex' or how to relieve your horniness as you were growing up.

And you always imagined as a young person that when the right person fingered your asshole, it would be like the most amazing orgasmic shit, and you had a feeling like you kinda needed another person to give you that experience. And you really did try to have that experience. You read articles and sex advice that told you to be mentally and emotionally open to it and not get hung up on things, and get a lot of penile foreplay before so you were aroused before the ass fingering. You really tried to have the orgasmic experience from ass-fingering, but nothing seemed to work. Maybe you're just one of the guys that isn't wired that way. You are just an unlucky one that 'needs extra.' Although, maybe it did happen once, though? It's hard to remember, but there were really good times.

And you know, it was always about the ass hole when it came to sex, for your whole life. Almost everything you saw. You've definitely heard some men need penis stimulation, but really that never registered much until later when you were an adult and honestly it's hard to figure out how to incorporate it now.

It's, like, some bullshit man - how insanely stupid it is when you flip what happens to clits onto penises

Yeah, I know ladies don't come from rubbing their fingers, but I think it's a pretty good comparison to dicks going into vaginas.

Dicks get all the fun and orgasms. What we think of as basic sex (i.e. intercourse) looks like how they masturbate.

Vaginas get a ton of attention and all kinds of things stuck in them with the expectation that it will cause orgasm in that vagina-having person, but it actually won't (Seriously. Like SERIOUSLY).

Clits get ignored. The word is rarely said compared to penis and vagina - even in things like sex ed and even progressive sex advice. I mean, lots of actual women and men don't know where it is. It's rarely a focus in sexual media. Yet, the clit and the surrounding outer vulva tissue are what needs to be stimulated in order to orgasm - just as much as the penis is for males.

And no, ya'll, the "legs" of the clit (or the vestibular bulbs that some anatomists would like to call part of the inner clit and some would not ) that go down into the body kind of around the vaginal canal don't get stimulated to orgasm through the walls of the vagina from penis banging. There's no actual physical evidence of this ever happening. It's just some BS that allows people to kinda vaguely "know" that the clitoris (specifically the external parts of the clit that can be stimulated externally) is the organ for female orgasm but still not question the expectation that at least some women, ya know the really sexually open and/or lucky women, should orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. The clitoral legs idea that is popular now is like the incorrect idea of an orgasm-giving G-spot, they are both stories that help smooth over how incredibly inconsistent the cultural understanding of female orgasm is compared to what the actual physical evidence of female orgasm tells us.

That finger thing would be cool though, right? I'd be sticking my finger up all the dude's asses for real, and sucking my finger a lot too, but not in that order.

But my point is, when it comes to clit-bearers quest for better sex and more orgasms, I don't want to hear shit anymore like, "It's just about communication." Or "Women need to just say what they want." If the playing field were equal it would all be about communications, and yes, I'm all for more of it and for women saying what they want in a sexual encounter.

So don't try and tell me communication is the issue we're facing, because it most definitely is not. 

We're facing a deep, all encompassing misunderstanding of female sexual response, female orgasm, and female anatomy. It affects all aspects of how clit-bearers are understood sexually by our partners, how we understand ourselves, the expectations we have of sexual encounters and how we engage in them, what we see of people like ourselves and our partners in the media, and how much (or more likely how little) sexual satisfaction and orgasm we are willing to withstand.

We can communicate all we want, but until the clit is truly understood as the organ of female sexual pleasure, as deeply as the penis is understood as the organ of male sexual pleasure, and until we as a culture truly understand that intercourse is not a sensible way for a female to come - and I mean like understand it at such a level that it is in our blood and our history and our art and jokes and interactions - then nothing substantive will change for the lady-gasm. Clits will continue to be at a disadvantage to penises in a sexual situation. But this is a tall order. We need to completely flip our cultural understanding of how sex works.

We need an Orgasm Equality Revolution.