Masturbation Advice In The Time Of Corona
Hello from my COVID-19 mostly social isolation.
It's mostly because I manage an "essential" group of workers at my otherwise shut-down-and-work-from-home company. So basically the lab still has to run, and they need people to run it. I've split the team into groups, though, so we only work either by ourselves or sometimes with one other person. We're cleaning our spaces before and after we leave each day. We had a person in the adjoining building test positive for COVID-19, and they closed down to clean for a day, but we're back at it. We are on for 2 days off for 5. The situation I put together is not perfect for social isolation, but it's better than nothing when you're told work has to go on. I'm getting paid and they are letting me create my own team's schedule so it could be much worse, and I'm not complaining in the slightest...and my team is pretty awesome.
I hope all of you out there are making the best of your isolation. I hope everyone that is losing income gets the help they need. I hope you and your people stay healthy. I hope you have access to things you need. If you have to still be out there working I hope you have the resources to be as safe as possible. I hope you are finding kindness, entertainment, and comfort in the people you come in contact with (mostly virtually or from a strong distance). I wish everyone out there the best.
As for me, this has given me a bit more time to write. I have felt a lot less able to make time for writing this blog the last few years for a variety of reasons, and I don't love that because I really love this blog. It would be a dream come true for this blog and this orgasm equality activism to be my full-time gig, but at the same time I also don't want to get my income from this blog or this activism. I want to have nothing tying me to any interests and no pressure to get clicks or to sell anything or to get and keep sponsors. I want to continue doing this exactly how and when I want because I don't really get sick of it when I do that. So, even though I don't always have the time I feel I need, if I'm honest, having a good money/benefits job with this as a side gig (until I become independently wealthy, of course) is actually a pretty good situation. So although I'm kinda complaining, I honestly can't complain too much.
This extra time, though, is extra nice and so I am going to up my game - even if just for the duration of the isolation. I'm going back to my old standard of at least twice a week posts. I'm also just going to try and engage more with people working on this topic in the media. I love to praise people speaking lady-gasm truths and gently point out errors to those that are putting out misinformation. That's my bag.
So, if you're reading this, I assume you're someone that reads my blog, and I hope you enjoy the extra stuff I'll be putting out. Please write me or comment if you have anything at all to say. I can't tell you how much I love that.
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| by Charles Borowicz |
Now for a little SSL substance in this post....masturbation.
I'm not the first, the last, or the only one to say it, but a time of isolation is also a great time to focus on some masturbation. In fact the internet porn site Pornhub has given all of Italy free access to their premium content this month, so like, it's not just me. Other people are assuming there will be a lot of rubbing genitals out there in the world for the next few months.
- As a champion of orgasm equality for the ladies, I'm also a champion of:
- lady-bation
- non-intercourse focused sexual interactions
- teaching and knowing the clitoral glans is as important to female orgasm as the penis is to male orgasm
- depicting realistic ways of physically achieving lady-gasms in our books, tv, movies, and porn
- accurately understanding and communicating the scientific investigations about how orgasms physically happen and asking for even more and better physical lady-gasm studies
- ladies feeling empowered to ask for the touches they need for orgasm and also feeling as though they deserve an orgasm or at least a solid try at orgasm during a sexual encounter
- and last but not least - the very important fucking up of cultural assumptions that 1.women can be banged into an orgasm and 2. that women's bodies are some kind of deeply complicated widely varied orgasm maze-puzzle
There's other stuff too, like convincing people that Freud's ideas can mostly go fuck themselves, and I do get into all that stuff in this blog, but here I just want to talk about masturbation.
In fact I'm going to throw down some SSL-style masturbation advice. Take it or leave it, but it's all towards the aim of Orgasm Equality.
To those with a clit:
1 Use your goddamn clit and the surrounding tissue down there. Experiment with it. Enjoy it. If it hurts or feels boring, stop doing that and try something else.
Even for people who have taken damage to their genitals or their sexual psyche, the body is a remarkable thing and you may be surprised at what experimenting between your legs, completely in control, on your own, with no pressure can offer you.
Even if your way of getting to pleasure or orgasm isn't quite like you might expect, keep investigating with your body and your mind. There are good feelings, physical pleasure, and orgasms to be had and you are the one that can find them.
2 Don't rely on anyone else to know your body or your desire or to teach you about your orgasm. Like, for real. If you don't know how to orgasm on your own, then you should have no expectation that you will orgasm with another person. None.
If you did happen to orgasm for the first time with another person. Congrats on having that experience. You're lucky. Now take that knowledge and continue investigating on your own. It's probably the only way you can continue orgasming consistently with another person.
If you are sexually active, masturbation is critical.
3 Don't feel bad about masturbating, desiring, or fantasizing. If that's not easy for you, start investigating ways to help it be more easy. I don't have answers for that. I'm sorry someone/everyone/the whole of culture put it in your mind that you don't deserve to use your own body in a way that feels good to you. You deserve the power to make yourself orgasm. All humans do.
4 Know that if the things happening to you during partner sex (getting a penis banged into your vagina, for instance) do not mimic the things you do during masturbation to make yourself come (rubbing your clitoral glans/vuvla area for instance). You or you partner should not be expecting you to come. Period.
5 Don't be afraid to admit masturbation to your partner. If your partner is worried about you masturbating, but you like masturbating. Get a new partner.
6 It is okay to masturbate during times when your partner would like more sexual interaction with you. Your sexual relationship with yourself is precious, and deserves attention.
I think this is particularly important for the ladies because most of us have had at least some damage done to our desire over the years whether it be from sexual abuse, years of sexual encounters that were anywhere from really shitty to painful to boring, a life of sexual encounters that too often or always end only in your partner's orgasm, from the culture squashing female sexuality in all numbers of ways, or lots of other things ladies have to endure with sexuality in this world. This damage is accumulative, largely invisible, and not easy to shake - even when you are with a kind partner that you really love.
We don't talk about it near enough, but sometimes what you need to aid in healing is your own time to be with your own sexual body and sexual thoughts and a partner that respects that and doesn't fucking sulk around if you don't give every ounce of your sexual energy to them.
7 If you are only orgasming during masturbation and not during sexual interactions with other people, know that for clit-bearers that is super normal because the world does not really understand how we physically orgasm...not seriously and practically understand at least.
Also know that it's bullshit, and you deserve to orgasm as much as any man does during sexual encounters.
At the same time know it's not easy for a variety of reasons to get from masturbation orgasm to consistent orgasms with a sexual partner. You have to put in work, have hard conversations, maybe tell a partner or a few to fuck off, try-fail-repeat many times, teach over and over, get creative and bold, and ya know, do a bunch of hard shit penis-owners just simply don't have to do. It sucks, and I'm sorry, and I hope it gets less like this for each new generations, but understand this is where we all currently stand.
Have fun.
For those with a penis:
1 You need to include the masturbation practices of your clit bearing partners in your sexual encounters with them because you have an advantage in partnered sexual situations. The whole world knows basically how to get you off. Yeah, there's individual preferences, but don't confuse your problem of having to tell someone that you personally like shorter strokes and more lube, with a problem of deep seeded incorrect knowledge of your sexual anatomy and orgasm that resides deep inside both yourself and your partner. Read my whole post about this. This disadvantage is fucking real.
Anyway, my point is, if you are not okay with your clit-bearing partner masturbating and including all aspects of that masturbation practice in your sexual encounters, then you need to get over that shit quick. And I mean you need to not just 'be okay' with it, you need to expect it, enjoy it, make extra room for it, and encourage it (without being pushy).
2 Be patient with clit-bearers and masturbation. The truth is a lot of women don't know shit about their orgasm, haven't masturbated and are a bit confused/embarrassed/sad/mad/frustrated/hurt by their relationship to orgasm, masturbation and sexual partners. We can be confused and confusing when it comes to orgasm and masturbation and, well, just deal with it.
Be open and prepared with everything I said up above, but also let your partner do whatever they need. This sexual culture for ladies is a real asshole, and frankly, we get fucked up in it. Getting through the tangle of fucked-upedness is a slow, arduous journey and it's different for every women, so be patient and kind and thoughtful and don't get mad or pushy or patronizing or indignant, or for god sake, sulky. If it's hard for you to deal with, I'm sorry. It's harder for them. If you don't like it, you can always just move on.
3 Don't feel bad about masturbating, desiring, or fantasizing. You deserve the power to make yourself orgasm. All humans do.
That said, remember your ability to see fantasies in porn and other media that include you using another person in ways that are orgasmic and sexually exciting to you, but neither orgasmic nor sexually exciting to the person on the receiving end are like a million times greater than that of a clit-bearer. Even if some people who would be on the receiving end say they like it and in porn and movies most actors act as if they LOVE it, use your goddamn head and put yourself in their place remembering all the stuff in this blog and my movie about how lady-gasms do and do not work and remembering that sex is much, much, much grosser when you are not highly aroused.
What I'm saying here is it's fine to fantasize about whatever, and honestly in this world, with the sexual images that exist for us, it's hard for someone with a penis to not fantasize about things that are somewhere in between gross/painful/mean/demeaning and certainly non-orgasmic for the receiver. I get it. I, even with this clit I have, fantasize about shit when I'm masturbating that is gross/painful/mean/demeaning/non-orgasmic to me. It's not because I want to have that happen to me in real life. That stuff would and has damaged my sexuality and desire in ways I wish it hadn't. It's because it's most of the sexually charged stuff I've seen my whole life. We're in the same boat with that, but remember you have so much more power there.
Fantasize as you will and masturbate all you want to those fantasies, porn and images, but don't get that fantasy confused in your head with how things should go in real life. It's harder than you think to suss out, and even if you're sitting here saying you would never mix fantasy and reality, dig a little deeper, consider harder, switch up your perspective more. I'm certain you do at least to some degree, and you could be better about it.
4 Don't be afraid to admit masturbation to your partner. If your partner is worried about you masturbating, but you like masturbating, get a new partner.
But...also a couple things.
1. Don't be a hypocrite. Don't even think about worrying if she masturbates, or tries to mimic her masturbation during your sexual encounters. Like don't even send out the slightest whiff of it bothering you.
2. Do be thoughtful about how different the cultural education on masturbation is for penis vs. clit people. Masturbation is taboo to a degree for everyone, but it's a whole other level for the ladies and you might want to talk about it realizing her perspective is very different.
5 It is okay to masturbate when you have an available significant other. In fact, probably consider it more of an option.
First off, the truth is any two people in a sexual relationship will not always be on the same page sexually all the time, and you don't owe each other your bodies just because you're together. If you're horny and they are not, go masturbate. If you want a certain type of thing and they want something else, go take care of it yourselves.
And please don't act like masturbation is a consolation prize. Don't sulk about having to masturbate when you have a partner that could accommodate your dick. That's bullshit. If you think jerking your dick is somehow not necessary when there is a pussy around, fuck yourself - literally and figuratively.
Masturbation is awesome and any sexual person should be able to enjoy themselves sexually. It's not a consolation prize, it's just a prize.
Second, the ol' joke about girlfriends liking to have sex and wives not is something people say because there's truth in it. Sex with you has the element of newness with your new girlfriend, but it doesn't with your wife. The truth is that clit people have tons of sex in their life (including their past sex had with you, let's be honest) that just doesn't end in orgasm. However, penis people mostly always end their sex with an orgasm. Because of their life-long compilation of sexual experiences, one of these groups tend to associate the possibility for sex with the physical sensation of orgasm and the other associates the possibility of sex with a much more varied amount of things; disappointment, pleasure but no orgasm, the unaroused perspective of how gross sex is, and maybe occasionally - orgasm. So it's very possible that your sexual desire as a person with a penis has strongly lingered well past the fizzling of newness, emotional excitement, and a strong partner-pleasing desire because, well, sex in and of itself is orgasmic and fun for you, but not reliably for them.
So remember your experience is very likely not the same as your partners and thus their desire will not be the same. Don't underestimate or devalue that difference and understand that sometimes you should just happily jerk off if she's not in the mood and you are. Even if you are a kind person and your partner loves you very, very much, and you have worked hard alongside your partner to make sure her clit is stimulated to orgasm every time you two have sexual relations, it's still likely she has accumulated damage to her desire from past experiences - and that damage does not just go away by itself. So, don't add to that damage by doing what I personally think is one of the worst things you can do to someone's desire; guilt them into having sex by persistence, sulking, or any other aggressive or passive aggressive way.
So, like I said - just jerk off happily if you're in the mood and she's not.
May you also have fun.