Advice to Olympians About Sexy Time in Sochi

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It’s still early in the Olympics. A lot of the athletes haven’t competed yet, and I imagine for now they want to stay focused, so there probably hasn’t been a lot of hook-ups yet. There will be though. Oh, there will be. How could there not be? You have a bunch of mostly 20-somethings in the best shape of their lives, either riding a high or wanting to forget a loss. Oh – and the accents.

The Olympics are a perfect crossroads for a little hanky panky, and the winter Olympics especially because of the whole “getting warm” thing, ya know.

Anyway, here’s my unsolicited advice to all the Winter Olympians wanting to take advantage of this sweet spot of a sexy situation. Ready?...MUTUAL MASTURBATION. I know. It’s always my go to, but hear me out.

• Unless you brought condoms and dental damns from home, you’re going to have to rely on these things from whatever random country your partner of choice is from. Or, you’d have to use Russian ones. You don’t know how these Soviet era contraptions are gonna work. For all you know, they could just be sandwich bags dipped in vodka (so the ethanol in the vodka can kill the sperm or something – I don’t know.) Point is, best to do something that avoids this issue all together.
• You’d  be in charge of your own junk, so everyone’s sure to come. Gold metals all around!
• But wait, you could also make it a competition. We all know you Olympians are competitive people, so a race to the finish might get your ‘down there’ blood pumpin' just right.
• How often do you get to rub your lady/gentleman parts while taking in a full on view of a perfectly sculpted, top level athlete working themselves into a sexy heated mess? Seriously, that’s a beautiful thing. Plus, imagine them speaking dirty nothings to you in a foreign language or a suave accent. It’s like the best live porn ever. If you were all up in eachother’s grill doing the normal ol’ sex stuff, you’d miss the unencumbered view. Take advantage.
• You can get a little practice/workout while you’re doing it. Part of the fun is the show you’d be putting on. Yes, you’d be looking at a perfect specimen, but remember you’re a perfect specimen too. Throw in some of those muscle rippling warm-ups you do or pull your leg up over your head to stretch out. Your new friend will thank you, and you’ll be all the more fit for it.
• No unintended ice-skating-ski-jumping super babies

Take my advice or leave it, but I think you athletes would do well to consider a little mutual masturbation on your Sochi down time. Go team MM!

P.S I'd like to thank my AnC Movies partners, Charlie and Barnaby for suggesting, while we all watched the Olympics yesterday, that I write something about all the nasty that is surely going on.