A Bad-ass Letter from a Bad-ass Woman About Her Orgasms and My Post

About a month ago (4-17-2018 to be exact), I had an experience talking in a group that put my mind on the dynamics of orgasm talk between women. I just wanted to write a quick thing about it, so I tried out a kind of free-flowing-straight-from-the-brain-to-the-page writing for the post. I named it "Those Ladies Putting On Bravado About Their Orgasms - A Free Flowing Writing." Feel free to check it out.

I wanted to point out that sometimes women who have not gone through the personal and often hard work of understanding/experiencing their physical orgasm and bringing their understanding into their partnered situations are sometimes the loudest women in a group talking about their orgasm experience. Unfortunately these women are being loud and overly confident not about their own concrete physical experiences of orgasm, but about the social (mis)understanding and myths of orgasm that they have somewhat blindly but deeply clung to. I'm not mad. These women are all of us. We've all clung to these same myths and misinformations in some ways and at some times. In our world full of inaccurate physical information about female orgasm, ridiculous depictions of our orgasms in the media and all the ways our society tries to detach us ladies from our bodies, it makes sense that a lot of us will cling deeply to these for long periods of times, and that some of us will be loud and proud about it. I just wanted to say, in that post, that it's okay to note to yourself when these ladies are taking over the conversation, that they may not actually be the ones you should be listening to. They are the ones you hope, for their own sake, will do some hard personal introspection and learning about their orgasm in a different, more personal, body based way.

That all said, I also would love to see women who have done the work on figuring out their physical orgasm talking loudly and openly in groups. We need some real talk and vulnerability in our lady orgasm convos. What I didn't realize when I wrote all this (but I should always realize) is that I'm not always very clear and I don't always portray correctly in my writing what I mean. And when I got this awesome letter (please write me letters, I fucking LOVE to get letters), from this lovely women named Anna worried about if she was one of these women I was speaking of, I asked her if I could publish it, and she agreed. She is not one of these women. She is a woman who has put thought and work into making sure her orgasm is a priority even in partnered situations. Granted, she may have had an easier road to get there than a lot of us, but no female orgasm road in this world is a breeze. She and all the women who get to some kind of point where they can have an actual, physical orgasm by themselves and/or with a partner should be goddamn proud of their journey so far and if you ask me, should share that journey in an honest, vulnerable way with their friends.

So, I probably wrote too long of an intro, but here's Anna's letter. I think she is ab fab, and I loved hearing about her thoughts and experiences and believe they will be worthwhile to some of you out there as well (and also I'm so with you, Anna, on your assessment of what was going on with your partner's past intercourse-orgasming partner btw).

Dear Trisha,
I'm a long time reader of yours. Sex is a hobby of mine, both doing it and studying it. I love how you get past the common misconceptions and take a scientific view of sex, and how you make the sciency stuff accessible for enthusiastic amateurs like myself. I also love your discussions about how popular culture perpetuates myths about sex. 

I've been reading and re-reading your post from 4.17.2018 and it makes me a little sad.  I guess I could come across as one of those ladies you write about. I don't want to shut down any conversations. I just want to give you my perspective. 

I discovered masturbation in early childhood, and I've been having orgasms ever since. Alone and with partners. Real, distinct orgasms with the pelvic floor contractions and everything, not some vague, interpretable "wave of intensity" or whatever. I came to partnered sex with the expectation of orgasms, and I made sure I got them. Maybe it's because I'm autistic - I have an analytical mindset, and giving priority to my own pleasure as well as my partner's is the sensible thing to do. Sex is a collaboration, not a zero sum game. 

Collaborative sex is a win for both men and women. Allow me to use my partner of three years as an example: 

My partner has had a LOT of girlfriends and casual partners in his 54 years (I'm 47). His mental script was rooted in the commodity model of sex. He felt that he had to "pay" for sex in some way, since "women don't want or need sex the way men do" - by paying for dates and giving gifts, by flattering and complimenting, by helping out, by giving in when there were disagreements. He felt resentful and manipulated, but since he wanted sex and companionship, he did what he believed needed to be done. 

If he successfully tempted a woman to his bed, he felt it was his job, and his alone, to give her an orgasm. If he failed, he hadn't fulfilled his part of the unspoken bargain. Performance anxiety was interfering with his erections. Since he didn't realise how unimportant erections are to women's orgasms, this was a huge problem for him. The transactional view got him more orgasms than it did his girlfriends, but it wasn't very good for him either. 

What I'm trying to say is that women being "selfish" in bed is a good thing for both men and women. The cooperative model of sex relies on both parties asking for what they need. I don't neglect my partner, but I allow myself to focus on my orgasms as well. There is pleasure enough for everybody, and when we cooperate, it eases the pressure and we both get what we want. 

Again, I don't want to shut down the conversation. The orgasm gap is very real. My partner stubbornly believes that I'm exceptional, that ladygasms usually take a lot of work, and even that many women aren't capable of having them. Some men I have known didn't even try. They were confused or amused that orgasms were important to me. One even assured me I didn't need to orgasm, he was happy anyway - as if my orgasm was somehow for his gratification! Also, my partner refuses to believe that banging doesn't cause orgasms in women, because "if that were true, we would all know about it, and besides, I've had women come just from intercourse lots of times". (I, on the other hand, am convinced many of his previous partners faked their orgasms to satisfy his need to be a good lover and get him to stop already. Especially his first girlfriend, who he claims would consistently orgasm as soon as he put it in.) 

This is getting long and rambly, so I'll summarize: I don't want to put on bravado, but I exist and my orgasms are real. I do see myself as a sexual person, but I don't think that's necessary for having orgasms if you want to. Giving priority to your own orgasms is a good thing, and not in conflict with being a generous lover. It can even be beneficial for your partner. 

Maybe I'm over-simplifying. There are men who react badly when women ask for what they want and insist that they get it. There are men who get off on inequality and see the orgasm gap as a feature, not a bug. There is harassment and coercion and rape, and, speaking of personal beliefs, I think every single woman has had such experiences, at least to some degree, whether or not she interprets it that way. 

I don't think this was what you were writing about though. 

We all have a lot of shit baggage. There is a voice in my head telling me how pathetic I am to enjoy make-up and sexy lingerie when I'm pushing 50, with a body shaped by pregnancies and yoyo dieting. "Mutton dressed as lamb", indeed. Changing one's own internal discourse is hard. 

Pretending that orgasms are easy for all women is disastrous, but telling ourselves that struggling is inevitable isn't helpful either. 

Thank you for a wonderful blog,
Anna