This is something you learn to do.
I caught an article on BlogHer that I thought was pretty good. I thought I should start taking more time to look for and highlight things out there on the ol' interwebs that I think are positive contributions to the Orgasm Equality Movement, as I like to call it...it sounds official, doesn't it?
The article is by Lady J at Ladywanderlust and it's titled "Surprising Sex Issue That Shouldn't Exist." While talking with a friend, a cool, interesting lady, the author finds out that her friend has never orgasmed. She can't believe that this is still such a problem in our modern world.
I don't know if I am naive, but I am a little surprised that in 2012 there are still guilt-related sex issues roaming around. We've had a Sexual Revolution, the PlayBoy empire, the birth of YouPorn.com, the Jersey Shore and Fifty Shades of Grey ... yet some women still carry guilt. And they don't talk about it: they just accept that maybe they can't/won't have orgasms.Now, of course I would argue that the 60's Sexual Revolution didn't do much for female sexuality beside allowing women more freedom to play the female role in the already established male sexual culture that already existed, and I would say it did very little in giving women freedom, opportunity, and information to help us become orgasming, fantasizing, sexual beings. I digress though. You can enjoy that argument more fully in the movie.
My point, though, is that it doesn't surprise me too much that women still struggle to orgasm even though we are perfectly physically capable to do so. I think she's right that guilt has something to do with it, particularly guilt about our right to masturbate and our right to do during partnered sex what we need to do in order to get our orgasm...but I think there is a larger issue about the cultural understanding we ladies get about what an orgasm is. It seems as though we should just get one from having sex with the right dude. We don't easily learn about our clit and its place in our orgasm. We don't learn about it in school, or in the large majority of porn, or in much of the cultural depictions of sex. That is where this article impressed me. I thought the authors advice to her friend was right on.
Now, I felt the need to step in: "This is something you learn to do, not expect to surprisingly happen. Everyone is different, so thinking the next person you sleep with will be able to guess exactly what you like will not happen. You need to tell him, or at least encourage when he's in the right direction. Think of yourself as a cheerleader, not a coach."
Olive was silent. But I knew she was listening. Maybe she was impressed I made a sports analogy.
"I think you need to figure out what you like on your own, first. Do not get paranoid. Lock your bedroom door, put some furniture in front of it, whatever. I think it will help ... do you understand the general idea of it?"
Olive snorted, "Yes, I think I know how to do that. I just get nervous about my fucking family running around without boundaries."
"I laughed. "Ok, maybe you should get yourself some help ... of the battery operated variety?"
Olive laughed, "If you can't come right out and say it, how are you going to help me?" (the range of my word prudeness is vast, and most of my friends know and make fun of me for it. Bastards)
"A vibrator. Go buy one. You don't even have to do it in person. Go to adameve.com and order one, to come to your house, in discrete packaging, and then figure it out. Some woman can be very picky. Try different positions, fantasize, don't give up because it's taking awhile. And don't put it on the highest speed because you think that will work the fastest -- you will vibrate your clit off."I particularly like the statement, "This is something you learn to do, not expect to surprisingly happen." It's true. Her advice is simple. Basically, she told her to masturbate, but if more of us were friends or had friends like these two women - who were brave enough to talk about this issue plainly and honestly - then we'd all be better off.
Thanks Ladywanderlust!