In Defense Of My Hetero-centric Style of Female Orgasm Activism

Well, certain posts from this blog have been lucky enough to get some play on Reddit over the past few months, mostly on TwoXChromosome and SexPositive subreddits. I think they are 2 really great communities, and it's really cool to hear the comments about the ideas I'm putting forth in these posts. It allows me to better prepare for what kind of things will come at me once the movie is released. So, on that note, I want to address some criticisms that keep popping up in comments. Honestly, people are mostly supportive, but when they aren't it almost always comes in one of two forms. 1. Women telling me that the description of female orgasm I put forth doesn't describe their experience. I will write a post commenting on that in the near future, and 2. People telling me that my discussions don't properly include discussions of non hetero experiences. Usually "hetero normative" is the word put forth, and people often feel that in itself makes any argument I make a bit less valid. I will address this criticism here.

So...yes, it's true. Many of the arguments in this blog and also the movie we have made are, in fact, hetero focused. The short answer to why? Because the societal understanding of the female orgasm is embedded deep in male, hetero-centic sexual culture, which means hetero sex is super relevant to arguing problems in our understanding of female orgasm. Also, because I'm not forming my arguments to influence progressive, sexually open folks or sexuality and  gender scholars. I would much rather create arguments that speak to a somewhat conservative hetero couple that has never read a piece of progressive writing on sexuality and is a little off put when men and women seem to pop out of the gender box. Convincing these people could maybe make life easier for a lot of other people.

So let me elaborate.

On one level I get it. Open, sexually thoughtful people crave a society where discussions of sex are completely inclusive and accepting; where all forms of sexual expression get equal time and respect. It's a noble hope, and I too would love to see a world where saying I "had sex" with someone could mean anything from penetration to 69ing to mutual masturbation; where the sexual interactions between any consenting adults are portrayed in our culture as legitimate "sex" and respected and represented in the same way male-female penis in vagina sex is.

So when I frame my criticism of the state of female orgasm in terms of its lack within regular old penis-in-vagina intercourse, then I see that it strikes a nerve in some. It seems as though I'm ignoring all the experiences related to female orgasm (or lack there of) out there that have little to nothing to do with classic, hetero intercourse. In ignoring those experience, it is assumed that my more focused argument could not possibly be the whole story, and of course it’s not.

However, my blog, my movie, and my activism are focused on the specifically physiological aspects of the female orgasm. The ignorance about those aspects of female orgasm were born out of a world obsessed with prizing and preserving hetero, male-centric intercourse as the most important, fulfilling and legitimate type of sexual interaction. This ignorance has persisted, because frankly that obsession, to this day - even 40 years after the sexual revolution, has not lessened much.

So, when I critique the culture of female orgasm, I largely critique hetero culture. It is what needs the critiques most - way way most.  Those of you out there who can see beyond the male-hetero-centric societal norms got there despite our hetero-sex focused sexual culture, and probably incrementally…and it really still might even have its hooks in you in strange ways. It’s not easy to escape, and I think the first step for most people might entail first chipping away at this most normative aspect of our sexual culture.

I know my perspective is not the whole story, but it’s the only one I can really speak from with any real knowledge or confidence. I love others coming at orgasm equality from different perspectives and I want to be part of that larger picture. My hope, though, is that this activism, even being hetero-focused, will add a net positive to our sexual culture that can help boost the sexual activism and widen the sexual landscape for all types of people - even cis-het men. If you are a person who has ever had a clit or a vagina (this includes those intersex individuals who have full or partial vaginas with a larger or more penis like clit), then as a group of physiologically similar people, our understanding of ourselves sexually is likely shaped in similar ways by the male-hetero-centric culture. So whether we grew to be a traditional hetero wife, a wildly sexual hetero lady, a trans individual, or a lesbian (wild or not), we still were all fed similar shit in our sexually formative years; depictions of women orgasming effortlessly from simple, hands free P in V intercourse; a sexual education that omitted information about your orgasm because it simply doesn't coincide with reproduction the way the male orgasm can; and insinuation after insinuation that made it seem intercourse in and of itself should be orgasmic for women and that we didn't have legit "sex" until penetration of our vaginas and male ejaculation occurred. Even for those of us who don't have to deal much with the orgasm perils of navigating P in V intercourse in our sex lives, we all still have to deal in a variety of ways with the subtle male-centric hetero expectations that are tangled in our sexual upbringing. We were all still led to be confused about how, specifically, our own genitals work in relation to orgasm and how orgasms can best be facilitated with another person.

I feel like forming arguments about female orgasm in relation to the physiology of the female genitals and the actual physical connections that happen during the sex acts, allows the arguments I make, at their base, to be relatable, on at least some level, for all people who carry around female or female-ish genitals. Even if I am discussing, cis-hetero intercourse, the types of physical stimulation and the orgasmic physiology I discuss/critique could still apply to the bodies of non-binary lesbians or women who have never had or want to have sexual relations with any partners. It can also be highly relevant to the bodies and physical sexual experiences of trans women, especially in hetero relationships with penis-bearing men. This focus on the physical is where my activist interest sits; and my hope is that trying to keep this focus can actually help widen the scope of relatability.

I not only think this "hetero normative" approach will be a benefit for all the heteros out there who could begin gaining the facts to help create for themselves more mutually satisfying sexual relationships, but it could also make people who don't fit the old-school gender or sexuality mode seem more relatable to those who are, sadly, prickly about that. Once a person sees that even a “normal” husband and a wife could have a fulfilling, orgasmic, sexual relationship without intercourse - at all, and that it might actually even be better than the old fashioned ways, then he or she is equip to better appreciate and understand how any combination of cis, trans, intersex; gay or straight; men, women, non-binary people could easily have a fulfilling, orgasmic sexual relationship. It becomes more clear that we all, no matter where we fit on the gender, sex, or preference scale, could have an organ of sexual pleasure (clit-like or penis-like), and we can all enjoy a fully legit orgasmic sexual encounter with any other person. That idea is actually pretty radical, but it could be significantly less of a stretch for many if they take the first step of re-imagining what is "normal" for even hetero couples.

So, that’s my thoughts right now. I appreciate the pushback on this, and I want to continue hearing, and thinking about this and how it should affect my writing and activism.