Random Male Hite Report #23
Hello, friends. It's time for another Random Hite Report! In 1976, Shere Hite dropped The Hite Report where she compiled detailed survey answers from over 3,000 women about sex, masturbation, orgasms, and relationships. It's insane to me how revolutionary this book still is. Read it, seriously. We really haven't changed that much in 40 years, and it's an incredibly insightful read.
Then in 1981, she dropped The Hite Report on Male Sexuality where over 7,000 men give detailed answers about sex, relationships, and women. It too is revolutionary, and the honesty, vulnerability, and detail in this book is so important and moving. I think everyone should read this too. So, I give you a taste every now and then to entice you to get these books. Seriously, they are both like 1 cent online.
Anyway, what I do is flip to one random page and copy the contents of that page, no more-no less, directly onto this blog. Enjoy.
The Hite Report on Male Sexuality
Knopf, 1981 pg 223
The following page is in the section RELATIONSHIPS WITH WOMEN in the chapter "Portraits of Marriage" These are longer form answers from men related to their marriage. The following is the end of one from a 37 year old man who is currently involved in 2 relationships, one with his wife of sixteen years and one with a woman he has been with for 3 years.
"....relationship, which had become emotional and physical over time. Even though we are now separated by a great geographical distance, I still feel closer to her than to anyone in the immediate vicinity. We continue to write each other a few times a week, at least, and are now planning to be together at a professional conference next year.
"It is very likely that my present marriage will not last another couple years, and the biggest problem I must deal with is the ultimate reason for its breakup. Basically, I have come to feel that the marriage was a mistake, a feeling my wife had very early (but does not express now). Further, I need to know that the marriage is breaking up because of its own internal dynamic, that it is not because of an outside relationship I might have. In fact, I have made it quite clear to my special friend that she would not be the reason for the breakup, and that I would not expect to jump into another marriage. i have told her that, because I love her so very much, I would hope that we remain close, but I was not interested in tying her down to any single relationship. I merely want to be close, within her reach if she should need a very special friend. I know that I need her friendship, but I refuse to attempt to control anyone anymore.
"Though my wife and I continue to tell each other that we do share love, I am just not sure if either of us really means it. I think we care for each other at a fundamental level; we care what happens to each other and the children. I just think there has been too much pain and bitterness over the years for much in the way of 'love' to remain. this may well be a simplistic rationalization, I don't know, but I have not reticence about saying that I do love this special friend of mine. Sometimes my ego gets in the way and I wonder if she loves me more than the men in her other relationships. I quickly get beyond this, however, and I feel confident that we do love each other. and that no measurement is necessary in that knowledge. What do we get out of the relationship? We get each other and a greater sense of just who we are, greater self-knowledge through clear awareness of the other. We do not 'play games' with each other; we are always open and even vulnerable. These are things I have never before experienced in any relationship. I refuse to be put in a position of possibly ending what we have found through each other.
"It would be very easy for me to say that I feel (and have long felt) dominated by my wife. Truthfully, I don't feel that to be the case. That would merely be an excuse for not taking responsibility for my own life decisions. I was not forced into marriage, I was not forced to have a family, I was not forced to seek out new relationships, and I am not being forced to maintain any situation I might presently be in. It is possible that both my wife and I feel dominated and that we might blame it on each other, but the decisions we made early on were in many ways expected of us. I think we have grown out of those decisions but don't really know what to do about it at the moment, especially when it concerns two other individuals we brought into the world and to whom we have a deep responsibility."
"I have been married over twenty years. i got married because I was in love, and in those days it was the thing to do. We have stayed married because of our...