Ellen Scott's Badass Article on the Oral Sex Gap
Ellen mothafuckin Scott over at MetroUK, people. This is what I'm talking about. This is a lady using her forum to speak the damn truth.
If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: When women speak honestly to each other about our sex lives and especially our orgasms, it is a revolutionary thing. It reveals the BS truths of sexual inequality that we women too often sluff off as personal inadequacies.
The system's broken - and been broken for ages- but we woman tend to blame that brokenness on ourselves rather than the system where the blame should be. We believe our individual bodies are defective when we can't reach orgasm easily enough during sex because we don't truly understand, as a culture, that the most common, accepted way of having hetero sexual interaction is shitty for lady-gasm and great for dude-gasms. We don't truly understand that clitoral stimulation for sure causes orgasm, or that in all of scientific literature no instance of an orgasm caused by stimulation of something in the vagina has been physically recorded. We ladies, despite what the world would have us believe, don't seem to orgasm from our vaginas, but that fact doesn't make it into our bedrooms somehow.
And that brings me back to Ellen Scott. She wrote an article called "The Oral Sex Gender Gap is Real and It's Not Okay."
Women as a whole give more than they get, and on the most part, it's not questioned in any real serious way - within our culture or within our individual sex lives. It's just how things are for whatever reason we decide to give to it if we even decide to think about it at all. Ellen, however, is calling bullshit here, and she's so on point. Ellen says, for one, fuck your excuses dude.
Oh, it hurts your neck? I take too long? Fuck you and you're whining.
"Giving someone else sexual pleasure shouldn’t be unpleasant or painful, but it does require a bit of effort, and it’s not easy. As sexual philosopher Samantha Jones once declared: ‘They don’t call it a job for nothing’. Women are willing to accept a little discomfort to put their partner’s pleasure before their own. Men expect women to do that."
Right? I mean, here's the deal. Blow jobs ain't easy, but we figure it out. We find ergonomically friendly positions. We move when we need to move. We work on technique. It's not that hard, and men can figure it out. Plenty of men do. It's very possible.
But it's not just that, is it? Like so much in life and bias, it's the subtleties that really get ya.
"Usually the oral sex mismatch isn’t so obvious or openly discussed. It’s the fact that a guy won’t initiate oral without prompting, but will happily signal towards their dick, expecting oral action as a necessary precursor to penetrative stuff. It’s their lack of enthusiasm. Their general attitude of ‘do I have to?"
Ellen uses her own personal sexual history, informal friend survey and an actual peer reviewed survey to back the reality of this oral sex gap up, but let's be honest, most of us ladies don't need all that evidence. We can feel the inequality in our bones. We feel the lack of offer, and we feel the lack of enthusiasm loud and clear. We're already in a world that depicts women fellatio-ing way more often than men cunnilingus-ing. We already feel worried that our junk is much grosser than dude junk. We're already certain that a girl who isn't perfectly happy - nay jubilantly orgasmic- with a good ol', classic boning, a girl who 'needs more' during sex is lame. The lack of enthusiasm is just icing on an already quite depressing and unsexy cake.
And the worst part isn't even the simple fact that more dicks get stimulated with mouths to orgasm than vulvas do. The worst part is that penile-vaginal intercourse, which happens way more than either types of oral is shit for lady-gasms (which, jesus fucking christ, why do we still see vag-ramming as a mutually orgasmic experience). So, dudes not only get the vast majority of orgasms that happen during the most accepted of sex acts, but when couples do decide to switch it up a bit, men still win. Women literally need something else besides straight up intercourse in order to orgasm, but when we do something else, we still focus on the guy's dicks. Who cares about a clit, women's orgasms, or you know - women, amiright?
Anyway, nothing is going to change unless we women start to have our eyes opened to the fact that other women have similar experiences in their hetero sexual interactions. Ellen Scott had the guts to write this thoughtful piece, and I guarantee you a bunch of women read it and reassessed their sex lives - even if it's just a tiny reassessment. A bunch of women just realized that it wasn't just a personal problem. A bunch of women found a little solidarity on an uncouth, adult, often embarrassing subject that they may never before have heard another woman discuss so frankly. That, is revolutionary as fuck, my friends.
Go read the article in its entirety, and Ellen Scott, I so deem you a member of the Orgasm Equality Heroes. I have added you to this most prestigious of lists. Go on with your bad self.