Playboy 2006 SSL Review - March

Why I have a stack of decade old Playboys that I'm SSL Reviewing

Long story short I took them from my parents house thinking I would review them for this blog and then didn't actually do that for over 10 years but now want them the hell out of my house because I hate clutter and don't know how I've not thrown them away all these years. Also, I thought I had all 12 months, but some are gone. If you want the longer story, check out the 1st 2006 Playboy SSL Review I did.

SSL Review Basics

An SSL review - as many of you know is a critique ONLY of discussions or depictions of female masturbation and/or female orgasm. I critique the realism and also what the depiction/discussion adds to our culture conversations on the topics of female sexuality and orgasm. I usually do these SSL Reviews for either movies or TV, but magazines are fun from time to time. This SSL Review will be a bit more relaxed and simple than most. I'd like to have a little fun here (but I will still give it a vulva rating).

So, please enjoy the full SSL Review of the Playboy Magazine from March 2006. I will review each SSL Reviewable item starting from the front of the magazine to the back.

1. The Playboy Advisor (porn to fall asleep?)

My husband has been staying up late to look at porn on the computer. He says he can't fall asleep otherwise. I tell him he can always wake me, but he says he doesn't look at the sites because he wants sex. Do many men use porn to fall asleep? -J.P. Virgina Beach, Virgina 

Many men use masturbation to fall asleep. That's fine as long as it doesn't affect the sex life you share. Online porn is easier for a quick release than waking the wife, and we've never felt that every orgasm has to involve a conversation. That goes both ways.

Okay, mostly this is about a man's orgasm - a man's porn-induced masturbation orgasm to be exact. However, at the end they say, "that goes both ways," which insinuates that the ol' Playboy Advisor approves of some on-the-side wife-bation via porn action as well. I approve of the advisor's approval because, by golly, I think everybody, even (maybe especially) those who are coupled, should take some time for some self-orgasming....particularly the ladies. Anyway, my point here is that anytime anyone acknowledges that women might masturbate, that helps normalizes women masturbating, and that is good for women and our sense of entitlement over our own orgasms.

2. The Playboy Advisor (stretching your birth canal vs. multiple orgasms)

In October the Advisor implied men would be willing to give birth if they could have multiple orgasms. Obviously the Advisor has never given birth. I am sure most women would give up multiple climaxes in a heartbeat. -K.B. Greenville, Kentucky 

We'd take that bet. The pain of childbirth lasts a day, while multiple orgasms lasts a lifetime. Notably...(then it goes onto describe how men might get pregnant).

First off, men can have multiple orgasm too (remember orgasm and ejaculation are 2 different things for males and females alike. They just usually don't. In this study HEREone of the men had multiple orgasms that ended when he ejaculated with the last one (and yes, my sweets, of course this study included measurement of pelvic muscle activity to verify the orgasms these people were claiming. I would not cite an orgasm study that did not).

Secondly, not all women have multiple orgasms, and those that do aren't like living some kind of orgasmic dream. It's just seconds - like seconds not really even minutes  - more orgasm. The all-night screamfest that I assume the advisor assumes women are engaging in every night is just bullshit from porn.

Thirdly, I don't like the advisor's smugness here. I hate when dudes act like women have this huge one up in the orgasm department  - like such a huge one up that it's sooooo unfair. That's bull to the shit. It's bullshit because the fake idea that women are bestowed some magical ability to orgasm for hours does not make up for the actual fact that women as a whole orgasm a shit ton less in sexual interactions than men do. As it is, multiple orgasms or not, men still have it way better in the orgasm department and acting like men would easily trade the pain of childbirth for what women have orgasm-wise is straight up ignorant of how little women actually orgasm when they're having sex with men. Fuck that insincere rewriting of reality.

Let men have childbirth and the perma-gasm myth that in reality pans out to having way too much intercourse without orgasm at all. It's all yours Playboy Advisor. I hope you enjoy the idea of a lifetime of ecstatic multi-orgasming as much as womankind does!

3. The Playboy Advisor (hetero sex inclusive toys??)

Are there any sex toys that a man and woman can both use at the same time? -H.N. Montreal, Quebec 

Besides lube? You might enjoy the Blue Dolphin or the Diving Dolphin, available Babeland.com. These are jelly penis rings with two tiny vibrators attached like guns in a holster. One points up to stimulate her clitoris during penetration while the other points down to tickle his balls. Babeland also sells a variety of cock rings with vibrators attached to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse.

Yes, sir. I absolutely approve of recommendations for sex toys that include clitoral stimulation during intercourse (since, you know, women kinda absolutely need outer clitoral stimulation in order to come and all)

4. Sogbo's Wife (A bit of fiction)

So this is a fiction short story written by Tony D'Souza. It's basically about a guy that goes to live in a little African village - I can't remember why. (I read this magazine, noted the SSL Reviewable things, took pictures and then threw the magazine out...but that was about 2 months ago and I just don't remember a lot about it really). He tells a story in it about a local dude from that village that went back to his hut. His door was locked, and he heard his wife all moany-sexy and stuff, and he was all like, 'I bet she took a carrot or a slender sweet potato and she's pleasuring herself with it!' So, he starts beating off to her moans (which they mention is also a big sin), then he can't take it anymore and pushes in the door saying, "Remove the carrot wife! I am going to possess you!"

He falls on her to put it in, but instead he gets in the butthole of the dude who's fucking his wife. Then, things happen after that.

Later, another older man is talking to the non-local main character who is having an affair with a local woman. The older man seems to know, clearly disproves and insinuates that he knows by saying to the non-local guy, "Women don't really satisfy themselves with carrots, Adama."

So, basically there was a discussion from the perspective of some old-school, religious, masturbation-is-a-sin dudes about female masturbation. The assumption we get first is that if she were masturbating, it must be by sticking a phallic thing in her vagina to mimic intercourse. Obviously this is not generally how women masturbate. We ladies actually tend to rub our clits because that (and not inner vaginal stimulation) is what actually makes women orgasm. However, that is a common way men like to fantasize that women might masturbate, so it makes sense these men would talk about it. Later the older dude mentions that women don't actually pleasure themselves with a carrot, but he doesn't say that meaning that the whole carrot-intercourse thing is bullshit and if she were masturbating, she'd probably just be rubbing her clit. No, he said that to mean women don't masturbate - the have affairs so real non-husband penises can make them come.

Basically female masturbation is discussed in a skewed, male-centric, physiologically incorrect understanding of how women orgasm and thus how they might masturbate. But, I think it's probably a realistic way that these types of old-school conservative men would talk, so it's not the worst. It's just status quo...which, actually, when it comes to female orgasm is kinda the worst.

5. A Cartoon Orgasm Revolution

from Playboy March 2006

"I've got a lot of things to do, so I'd like to cut out the foreplay and go straight to the orgasm. So, I won't be needing you today."

Oh snap! She just called her sexual interactions with that dude the foreplay to her masturbation afterwards (where she finally gets to orgasm). I mean, she ain't just whistling dixie, am I right? Ladies get way too much of the ol' non orgasm-inducing penis-in-the-vagina pounding,and I appreciate that this buxom cartoon lady finally just said what needed to be said - 'Go the fuck away and stop bothering me so that I can actually orgasm.'

I mean another option would have been for her to find a guy that would go down, rub the clit, let her rub the clit (with her hand or against his body), or use the vibrator every time they fucked. But, hey sometimes (a lot of times) those guys are hard to come by, and you just need to trade them in for a vibrator.

*I'm choosing to assume the thing she has laying on her bed is a vibrator that she will be rubbing against her vulva/clit and NOT a dildo that this cartoonist thinks she will use to mimic intercourse like those dudes in the story up there thought.

Vulva Rating

Well, there was a mention of female masturbation that was normalizing, which I like, and there was a recommendation of a hetero sex toy that added clitoral stimulation during intercourse, which I also like. Then there was the cartoon that reminded us women don't need penises for orgasm - just clitoral stimulation - which is consistent with peer reviewed scientific investigation, so that's solid. there was a kinda neutral mention about conservative men talking about women masturbating by mimicking intercourse which is unrealistic, given the lack of clitoral stimulation, but acceptable given the circumstances of the fictional characters.

 However, there was a smug ignorance that both overestimated the amaze-balls-ness of multiple orgasms for women (and the exclusiveness of multiple orgasms to women btw) and heavily overestimated how much women women actually end up orgasming during sex with men even if they do have multiple orgasms. That's exemplifies the really incorrect and confused understanding of female sexual experience that plagues our world, so hated that.

So it's a mixed bag and I'll give this issue 3 vulvas.

(!)(!)(!)